2020 Democratic Debate – SNL

>>> AND NOW MSNBC'S SPECIAL COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC
DEBATE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO. I AM RACHEL MADDOW AND WE ARE
LIVE FROM TYLER PERRY STUDIOS IN ATLANTA.
SO HELLO AND GOOD AFTERNOON. I WANT TO START THE DEBATE WITH
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND — WHO CAN BEAT DONALD
TRUMP? >> — ME, ME, ME.
MY HAND — MY HAND WENT UP FIRST.
>> THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BUT GO AHEAD.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. LOOK, I KNOW IN PAST DEBATES
I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING OVERAMBITIOUS, RIGHT?
I'VE GOT MOM HOSTING THANKSGIVING ENERGY.
I'M A LITTLE OVERWHELMED 'CAUSE I THOUGHT TEN PEOPLE WERE COMING
AND NOW THERE'S 30 MILLION. BUT I PROMISE DINNER WILL BE
READY IF YOU JUST GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND STOP ASKING
QUESTIONS. AND OF COURSE, THIS THANKSGIVING
I WILL BE COOKING MY SPECIALTY. MAYBE DON'T SAY IT.
THE FOOD OF MY ANCESTORS. >> I'M GOING TO SAY IT — MAIZE.
>> OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE, LIZ. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, SENATOR HARRIS.
>> OH, I AM. I AM.
THE FUN IS BACK, BABY. AMERICA'S FUN AUNT.
I'M ALSO AMERICA'S COOL AUNT. THE C — YOU KNOW, LET'S NOT DO
THAT. I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THE
POLLING NUMBERS. I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN AND SEE
IF I CAN GET SOME VIRAL MOMENTS. MAMA NEEDS A "GIF."
GONNA TELL MY KIDS THIS IS MICHELLE OBAMA.
♪♪♪ >> MAYOR PETE, YOU'RE LOOKING
ADORABLE TONIGHT IN YOUR LITTLE SUIT.
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IT'S FROM MY FIRST COMMUNION. >> YOU'RE POLLING AT ZERO WITH
BLACK VOTERS. ANY IDEA WHY?
>> MAYBE JUST BECAUSE OF, LIKE, THIS.
>> SENATOR SANDERS, YOU'RE LOOKING —
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I WANT TO BEGIN BY THANKING YOU ALL FOR THE WELL WISHES.
I DID HAVE A HEART ATTACK-ACK-ACK-ACK.
SO, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW BY NOW I'M DOING BETTER THAN EVER.
DOCTORS WERE SURPRISED I MADE IT.
AND I'M VERY PROUD OF THE FACT THAT I WAS THE FIRST HEART
ATTACK PATIENT TO SHOW UP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM IN A CITY BUS.
>> LET'S GO NOW TO SENATOR KLOBUCHAR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, RACHEL.
I KNOW SOME OF YOU THINK I'M SHAKING BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS, BUT
THAT'S JUST MY SIGNATURE QUIVERING BANG.
IT'S MY SPIDEY SENSE THAT TINGLES WHENEVER WE NEED A
MODERATE TO SAY, "GIRL, WE CAN'T PAY FOR THAT."
>> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, YOU'RE FLASHING YOUR TEETH AT ME?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW
AMERICA, I SEE YOU. AND I SEE THE FACES YOU ALL MAKE
WHEN I TALK. YOU'RE SCARED.
[ LAUGHTER ] SCARED I'LL SAY SOMETHING
OFF-COLOR OR EVEN WORSE — ON COLOR.
WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW IS YOU SHOULD BE SCARED BECAUSE I'M
ALWAYS ONE SECOND AWAY FROM CALLING CORY BOOKER "BARACK."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OKAY.
I'D LIKE TO RESPOND, BUT FIRST BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY
TIME I'LL BE TALKING I JUST WANT TO SAY BLACK CHURCH, BARBER
SHOPS, GREENS, BEANS, TOMATOES, POTATOES.
NOW TO VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, I WAS STUNNED TO HEAR YOU DON'T
SUPPORT THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA.
IN FACT, REHEARSED JOKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIGH WHEN YOU
SAID IT. >> LET ME TELL YOU A STORY FROM
MY YOUTH, OR MAYBE FROM A MOVIE OR A CARTOON.
I WAS WITH A BUDDY OF MINE WHO GOT SO WHACKED ON THE STICKY
ICKY KUSH HE SAYS, "I'VE A GREAT IDEA.
WE OUGHT TO GO TO WHITE CASTLE." NEXT THING YOU KNOW, KUMAR AND I
ARE DRIVING AROUND HIGH AS KITES WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AND
THAT'S BEFORE HE WAS GAY. THAT'S WHY I NEVER PUFFED THE
STUFF. >> WE ALSO WANT TO WELCOME
ANDREW YANG WHO I CAN TELL IS ALREADY MAD HE HASN'T TALKED
YET. >> NO, NOT AT ALL.
IT'S ME ANDREW YANG. I WANT TO SAY
WHAT UP TO MY YANG GANG? HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET A
YANG GANG BANG GOING, HUH? I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO ANNOUNCE MY VP, THE NEW TESLA CYBER TRUCK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WE ALSO WANT TO WELCOME TOM
STEYER. >> HI, GUYS.
I'M BILLIONAIRE TOM STEYER. AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
FOR A SIMPLE REASON — IT'S FUN. AND IT GETS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
>> I'M SORRY, MR STEYER. MY PRODUCERS ARE TELLING ME YOU
HAVE TO BLINK. >> I HAVE TO DO WHAT?
>> BLINK. YOU HAVE TO BLINK AT SOME POINT.
>> OH, NO, I DO NOT. AND I WILL NOT.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY BILLIONAIRE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NO. MAYOR BLOOMBERG, HOW DID YOU GET
IN HERE? >> WELL, I TIPPED THE DOORMAN
$30 MILLION. >> DOES THIS MEAN YOU ARE
OFFICIALLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
>> I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT. I'D BE HARD TO BEAT.
I'D LOVE TO SEE TRUMP SUPPORTERS COME UP WITH A CONSPIRACY THEORY
ABOUT A JEWISH BILLIONAIRE WITH HIS OWN MEDIA COMPANY.
GOOD LUCK MAKING THAT STICK. >> AND LET'S INTRODUCE UNDERDOG
CANDIDATE AND TONIGHT'S VILLAIN, TULSI GABBARD.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ] >> THANK YOU, RACHEL.
WHAT AN HONOR TO BE ON THIS STAGE WITH MY FELLOW CANDIDATES.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I SMELL YOUR FEAR AND IT MAKES ME
STRONGER. I'M WEARING THE WHITE SUIT OF
YOUR FALLEN HERO, HILLARY CLINTON.
NOW FIGHT ME, COWARDS. >> SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO RESPOND? >> TULSI, I'M GOING TO BE REAL
WITH YOU. YOU SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME.
YOU JUST GAVE ME ERMAHGERD, GERSBERMPS.
>> OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FOR SENATOR KLOBUCHAR.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THE FUNDING TO STAY IN THIS RACE?
>> I KNOW I CAN. I'VE GOT $17,000 FROM
EX-BOYFRIENDS. ALL I HAD TO DO WAS THREATEN TO
COME BACK IN THEIR LIVES. >> OKAY.
THAT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S NEXT TOPIC WHICH IS HEALTH CARE.
[ BUZZER ] >> OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT BUZZERS, BUT BERNIE RANG IN
FIRST. >> HERE'S MY PLAN FOR HEALTH
CARE. NO CO-PAY.
NO OUT OF POCKET. THE ONLY THING THAT COMES OUT OF
MY POCKETS ARE TISSUES, RECEIPTS, LOOSE COUGH DROPS, A
MOVIE STUB FOR "FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS" WHICH IS SO-SO.
AND OF COURSE, THE LITTLE BUTTON IN THE BAGGIE THAT COMES WITH
THE PANTS. MOST PEOPLE THROW IT OUT.
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. HOLD ONTO IT.
YOU NEVER KNOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MR. STEYER, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
>> I WANT TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO YOU, AMERICA.
HEALTH CARE IS IMPORTANT. BUT HOUSING AFFECTS
EVERYTHING — WHERE YOU SLEEP, WHERE YOU SHOP, WHERE YOU GET
YOUR SHOES SHINED, WHERE YOU BUY JEWELS, WHERE YOU RAISE
PEACOCKS. AM I RELATABLE?
>> MR. STEYER, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE A STEP BACK.
>> SORRY. AM I TOO CLOSE?
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY TOO CLOSE? BROTHER, LIKE YOUR STYLE.
LOOK, I'M SUPPORTED BY THAT SAME COALITION THAT ELECTED OBAMA.
BLAFRICAN AMERICANS. EVEN THE MEXITINOS, AND THE
CHORIENTALS. HECK, THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN EVER
ELECTED TO THE SENATE ENDORSED ME.
>> EXCUSE ME? NO, NO, JOE.
THERE HAVE BEEN TWO BLACK WOMEN ELECTED TO THE SENATE AND THAT
SECOND BLACK WOMAN — IT ME. ♪♪♪
>> IS THERE STILL TIME FOR ME TO COME IN LATE AND RUIN
EVERYTHING? >> NO.
WE HAVE TO MOVE ON TO CLOSING STATEMENTS.
>> WAIT, I NEED TO QUICKLY THROW IN SOME SPANISH, BECAUSE
MIGUEL BLOOMBERG IS EN FUEGO. >> OKAY.
THAT COUNTS AS GOOD-BYE FOR YOU. WE'LL NOW MOVE ON TO
MAYOR BUTTIGIEG. >> AMERICA, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS
BECAUSE MY SUPPORTERS ARE A DIVERSE COALITION FROM YOUNG TO
OLD, GAY TO STRAIGHT, WHITE TO EGGSHELL.
THANK YOU. >> TULSI GABBARD, TIME FOR YOUR
CLOSING STATEMENT. >> I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THOSE
DALMATIAN PUPPIES. [ EVIL LAUGH ]
I YIELD MY TIME. >> SENATOR KLOBUCHAR?
>> LOOK, I COULD SAY A LOT ABOUT THE ISSUES WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT
TONIGHT, BUT THE SAD THING IS YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD
I'M SAYING BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST WATCHING MY HAIR DANCE ON MY
FOREHEAD. EXCUSE ME, MY EYES ARE DOWN
HERE, NOT UP HERE. >> SENATOR WARREN THAT BRINGS US
TO YOU. >> HEY, HEY, IT'S NOVEMBER AND
IT'S CUSSING SEASON. YOU'RE SINGLE IN YOUR LATE 30s
AND I'M A SOLID OPTION. IF IT'S MARRY, "F," KILL I'M
AWARE I'M NOT THE "F," BUT I'M DEFINITELY NOT THE KILL.
SO COME ON, AMERICA, PUT A RING ON IT.
>> SENATOR SANDERS? >> AS A LOT OF YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF MY OPPONENTS LIKE TO THROW THE WORD "SOCIALIST" AROUND FOR
ME. BUT LET ME ASK YOU, IS IT FAIR
THAT ONLY THE TOP 2% OFTEN GET A FREE BISCOTTI WITH THEIR COFFEE?
WE WOULD ALL LOVE A FREE BISCOTTI.
YOU DIP IT. YOU DUNK IT.
IT'S DELICIOUS. SO, IF THAT'S SOCIALISM, SIGN ME
UP. TELL ME THIS.
IS IT FAIR THAT WHEN THE TOP 2% WANT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS IN
THEIR BEDROOM ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS CLAP?
THEY'VE GOT THE CLAPPER. SHOULDN'T WE ALL HAVE CLAPPERS?
EITHER EVERYBODY HAS A CLAPPER OR NOBODY HAS A CLAPPER, AND
THAT'S THE AMERICA I WANT TO LIVE IN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN?
>> THE HEARINGS HAVE MADE IT CLEAR THAT DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T
WANT ME TO BE THE NOMINEE. VLADIMIR PUTIN DOESN'T WANT ME
TO BE THE NOMINEE. NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS ME TO BE
THE NOMINEE. BUT I AM CONFIDENT I CAN WIN THE
ELECTION IN 2016. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND SENATOR HARRIS, YOUR CLOSING STATEMENT?
>> THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS TO STOP TAKING BLACK WOMEN FOR
GRANTED, SPECIFICALLY ONE BLACK WOMAN — ME.
I MEAN, COME ON. YOU SAID YOU WOULD VOTE FOR ME.
♪♪♪ >> WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE
HAVE. TOM, TAKE US OUT.
>> GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME. GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]